can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
