there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My dick has a subreddit
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
