Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
