At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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