So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
