She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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