ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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