you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
