what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You left your phone here
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