I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize