There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
