Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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