you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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