I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
