chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
