Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
