I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
