Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
