did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize