i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
