Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
