The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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