My first STD was from a foam party
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
