I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
