i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
