I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
