I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
