I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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