I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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