DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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