we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
