You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
