If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize