Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
