she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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