Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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