You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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