Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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