I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
