2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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