In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize