i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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