i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
