You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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