My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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