So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
