Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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