Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
