return my video game
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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