we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
