I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
