Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize