I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
