she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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