So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
