11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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