Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
