You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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